It’s been awhile. Since W was born, I haven’t had much time to sit and my computer and write. As you can imagine, having 2 babies 15 months apart is a bit of a gong show.
So, I’ve been vlogging on IG Stories and that was enough for me for awhile.
Until last night.
A little bit of backstory…I’m a bit of a martyr. I hate to admit that, but I think that has contributed to some of what I’m dealing with. People offer me help, but I usually turn it down because I feel like I should be able to do everything on my own. And I probably get some satisfaction from being able to do things on my own (even if I don’t do things very well). For example, J has offered numerous times to get up with W when he’s up, but instead of taking him up on the offer I say “No, it’s fine, you sleep” and then feel resentful because I’m the one up with the baby. Nonsense, right?
Secondly, I do actually have a lot of help. My in-laws live with us during the winter and often take at least one of the boys up to the trailer in the summer. I have O in daycare 3 days a week and W in one day. So the fact I need even more help on top of that, makes me feel like shit, so I don’t ask for more, even though I need it. I guess knowing there are parents out there who do it alone or have kids with high needs and still cope…well, I should be able to handle it, right?
Thirdly, I tend to take on more than I should. I over commit. I make plans that I know I won’t be able to keep but I feel like I can’t say no. Then, when I ultimately have to bail, I feel even more like shit. I’ve currently taken on a couple projects that I feel like I SHOULD be able to handle. I’m trying to loose weight and be more active because I know that will help make me feel better. I’m trying to see and visit friends because I know THAT will help make me feel better (but I over commit). My friends are also going through a lot of shit right now and I want to be able to help them too but I don’t have very much emotional energy right now so that makes me feel even more useless. We’re also trying to find a house. While there is no rush to do so, it’s still an added layer of stress.
I’m also hella sleep deprived. Aside from the occasional night off, I haven’t slept more than 2 hours at a time since W was born. I have anxiety, and sleep deprevation sends my anxiety into overdrive.
So the above had been eating at me for awhile, but I make light of it, I share on IG, I do small things that make me feel a bit better and I tell myself I’m ok.
Then last night. Last night, it all came to a head. J and I got in a little argument about literally nothing, and I snapped. I had a proper mental breakdown. I was literally sobbing so hard I couldn’t talk. I kept saying over and over “I can’t do this any more” Then O and W both woke up crying (because O has a wicked Ear Infection and W is teething) and I felt like the actual worst mother in the world. Like an epic failure because my babies needed me and I literally couldn’t get up off the couch to go to them.
I sobbed in J’s arms (after he got the boys settled) and then in the shower and then in bed. I sobbed because I had nothing left to give. I was empty.
I think the toughest part for me too was knowing, it didn’t have to get to this point. I’m constantly telling my friends to reach out when they feel like they’re flailing. Yet, I can’t do the same myself because somehow that means I’m a failure. Like for some reason, I’m unique and I shouldn’t need help.
The other thing though was, I didn’t really realize how bad it was. Yes, there have been signs. Yes, I knew I was struggling a bit, but don’t all SAHM’s struggle? Don’t we all struggle? And for f*ck sake, why can’t I do this on my own?
So there you have it, friends. I’m not doing great. In fact, I’m really struggling. It scares me so much to put this out there because I know I’m going to be faced with criticism and comments like “Enjoy this time now, they’re only little once! You’re going to look back on this days and miss it!” and “You think this is bad, wait until they are older! Little kids, little problems” or “Buck up, you’ll get through this” or “Everything is going to be fine”
I know all of the above. I really do. It’s because of comments like the above that I’m in the position I am now. Because I know I shouldn’t be taking life as hard as I am right now. I know it could be so much worse. I know I have so much help. I f*cking know, ok?
The thing with mental illness and anxiety is, it doesn’t f*cking care how you SHOULD feel. It doesn’t care that you shouldn’t worry about every. little. detail. about everything ever. It doesn’t care that you are so #blessed to have two healthy, beautiful kids, a loving husband, a good job and a roof over your head.
Anyway, if you’ve made it to this point, it’s probably because you’re struggling too. So I hear you, I see you, I feel you.
I’ll be posting here about all that I’m doing to work on myself and how things are improving so that if you are feeling this way too, it can hopefully help you in some way.
Thanks for reading ❤