Well, I haven’t blogged at all since May 27…now that we’re halfway through August, I think it’s safe to say I’m not nailing this whole blog thing.
Quite a bit has happened since my last post. In an effort be remain open and honest (which is what I want the tone of this blog to be) I’ve been struggling a bit. For the most part, I’m happy and I’m finally getting to a point where I’m happy most days.
Let’s break it down…
We had to give up our dog, Molly. Molly first came to us from another home when her current owners could no longer look after her due to some personal issues. Molly was a holy terror. We loved her so much, but she wreaked so much havoc in our lives. She destroyed both my wedding band and my engagement ring. She peed all over our house. She ate all our pillows. She tore apart our duvet. Yet, we loved her to pieces anyway. She was always so happy to see us and we were always happy to see her. She was our baby.
Then, we had an actual baby. We already knew from previous experience that Molly was not great around kids, but we were hopeful that because it was OUR baby, she would be different.
So after almost 10 months, some scares and O starting to crawl, we decided it wasn’t working. We were SUPER fortunate that J’s cousin was willing to take her on the basis we may be able to take her back in a few years. They have a black lab who adores her and they are able to give her all the attention she could ever want. It’s the absolute best case scenario in an otherwise totally crap situation.
I got pregnant. Now, this had happened before the blog, but the sheer enormity of what it meant to have a newborn IN ADDITION to a very busy 15 month old suddenly felt crushing. My early days with O were really tough. I suffered from PPD and PPA. I couldn’t breastfeed. I was an emotional mess. And that was with one baby. Given that these two are going to be so close together in age, well…I’m fucking terrified. Some days I don’t think I’m even fully recovered emotionally from the birth of O. Listen, I know it can (and will) be done. I’m not the first mother to go through this, I’m aware, but it doesn’t make it any less scary.
I returned to work. Granted, this was a MUCH easier transition than I expected. We were lucky to be put in touch with an amazing daycare provider just around the corner from us. She loves O almost as much as we do and he is absolutely thriving in her care. Once that was out of the way, transitioning back into work was kind of like riding a bike. Sure, I had to re-teach myself some time management skills and deal with the commute, but I feel like a happier, better Mom.
Which of course made me feel guilty because what kind of Mom prefers to be at work than at home? Thankfully, most of the other women I work with feel the same way and assure me, there is nothing wrong with the way I’m feeling. Plus, realistically, O is probably having WAY more fun at daycare than he is with me.
Finally, this next one is a very sensitive and personal topic so I’ll only touch on it briefly. A long-term friendship of mine ended. It was a mostly mutual “break” but not completely amicable. I have a really hard time letting go of friendships. I pride myself on being a good friend and helping people in their time of need but sometimes it’s not always meant to be. Truthfully, we probably should have gone our separate ways awhile ago, but sometimes things have to hit a rock bottom before it’s time for both parties to say “enough.” However, I’m still plagued with the question “What could I have done differently?” and “Am I a bad friend?”
This had me taking a step back and I looked at my other friendships. In all honesty, my friendships aren’t what they used to be. Long gone are the days of staying on the phone until midnight, grabbing dinner on a whim or going out dancing. I barely have enough energy to shower after I put O to bed let alone anything else. I feel like shit friend, and maybe I am or maybe that’s just my reality for now. Either way, this has been really hard for me.
It’s funny because some days, I’m totally okay and I feel like I have my shit together. Then I have days (like this past weekend) where everything comes to a head and I just think I can’t do it any more. Not in a suicidal way, but in a “pack my bags and run away” way. Obviously I won’t because I love my family and everything that I have, but sometimes I just feel crushed.
I’m still figuring out how to get through these days. So far, the best advice I’ve found is to treat these moments like a train going through a tunnel. You know that there is light at the end of it, so you buckle down and ride the emotions until you pass through the tunnel and into the light. It seems to be working really well.
Anyway, sorry for the heavy post. I think it’s so important to share daily struggles outside of the perfect life we post on FB and Instagram. There is so much more to life than just the perfect moments we see online. I guess it’s all of these moments put together that make life truly worth living. Yea…I went there.
That being said, I’m being a bit of a coward and posting this while I know no one will really read this blog. BUT if there is a mom (or just person) out there feeling some of the same things I do and even get a little bit of peace from this post…it’s worth it.
Also, if you did read this, thank you. ❤